Being Vulnerable with my Imperfections

Embrace the glorious mess that you are.png

Those of you who have followed along on my blog know that my goal was to do at least one blog entry a month, but it's February 22, and this is my first post of 2018. I also am VERY behind on my Get in Gear for the Next Tier homework, and I ate 1/4 of an oreo cream pie today. So I'm not feeling to hot on the goal accomplishment side of things. 

When it's a goal that only affects ME, I can struggle with follow through, (like dieting, or updating my blog on a schedule). When it's a goal that affects others (like getting off book quickly, or any group deadline) I am able to work diligently. I should figure out why that is...perhaps some therapy is in order to sort that out.

My husband and I were talking about this and he reminded me that it's good to use the 80/20 rule. I can't expect myself to be 100% all the time for everyone. I also have a toddler, and that takes a lot--especially right now when she has pink eye, and Da-da is now the preferred parent, so sometimes she tells me to move, shuts doors in my face, or cannot be comforted my me, just "Daaaa-daaaa." That's draining!

Is there like a type A - personality? Or B +? I sometimes feel like a wanna be perfectionist who someday people will unmask as a slacker. I feel like people perceive me as high functioning, but especially since becoming a parent (hello mom-brain), I feel major imposter syndrome and that folks will realize I don't do enough. Whatever "enough" is...sigh.

What I HAVE done well recently:

  • Joined a self-tape co-op. A handful of actors who are making themselves available to be readers for self-tape auditions with each other.
  • Met a new-to-me casting director face to face, so now she knows my face and name.
  • Continued to take class as part of the Theatre9/12 Company (currently working on a scene from The Children's Hour as Martha Dobie)
  • Prepped 2 monologues for TPS Unified General Auditions that I'm excited about.
  • Taken a Linklater voice class, and plan to attend again!
  • Scheduled (then made a a few mistakes and RE-scheduled) new headshots to help specify my brand. Done research on other photos I like and want similar looks to. Bought new clothes for the headshots (and I'm not allowing myself to wear them until the photos are complete, because I have a tendency to spill on myself and stain)
  • Performing in You Are Right, If You Think, which runs thru Feb 25, 2018
Zandi in  You Are Right, If You Think  with Theatre9/12. Photo by Michael Brunk.

Zandi in You Are Right, If You Think with Theatre9/12. Photo by Michael Brunk.

So I'm doing the work. I should give myself credit; I'm working to accept myself and, as Elizabeth Gilbert says, the GLORIOUS mess that I am. I know I'm harder on myself than others are on me, but I never want to wallow in the status quo, especially when I have goals to further myself and my career. Focusing on the positive is always harder, though, but looking at the list above feels pretty good.